By Kahlil Najar and Emily Zahner

The Edmonton Oilers lost a tough game to the San Jose Sharks tonight 5-4. With this being their 41 loss of the season Oilers General Manager Craig MacTavish said that the team has no plans of leaving the SAP Center.

“No. We’re not leaving. We’re staying here,” said MacTavish while hiding behind a desk and holding a stapler like a gun. “We’re just going to stay here until the rest of the season is over. We don’t want to go home.”

The Oilers are coming off of one of their worst seasons in the last few years and it’s easy to see why they wouldn’t want to leave. The Oilers have underperformed for the whole year and have let many Oiler fans lost in their search for the Oilers of old.

“Go ahead…stay!” said Norman Hull, a long time Oilers fan. “These guys keep playing with me. We get some great players here and there but then fall flat during the season. I hope San Jose gets better use out of them that we did.”

Mr. Hull isn’t alone in his statements. Ms. Celaneus an inspiring journalist at the University of Alberta said “They were cool back in the day. But now I don’t even know who they are. Is Gretzky still on the team? I’m more into the Scripps National Spelling Bee.”

Oilers Captain Andrew Ference and popular assistant captains Jordan Eberle and Ryan Nugent Hopkins were all seen attempting to leave the SAP Center after the game on San Jose Sharks mascot Sharkie’s four wheeler. Unfortunately they weren’t able to find a way out so they just kept riding the SUV around in circles around the rink. “It’ll run out of gas soon…they’ll be tired and we can take them home when they pass out,” said Head Coach Dallas Eakins.

Ryan Smith who has been on the team for the longest tenure said that he could tell this was happening when something odd happened after the second. “I asked where my stuff is after the second period and no one was around. I was literally in the locker room talking to myself. I thought I heard someone but then when I went to look I just saw a metal door closing. We’ll be fine. They have a lot of cool stuff in here. I think I saw a XBOX in the back. I hope they have COD.”

The Oilers next face the Ducks in Anaheim but it doesn’t look likely since the team has all dispersed into various parts of the Bay Area. Rumors of trips to Pixar, Fairyland and Great America were running rampant in the hallways of SAP.

In an odd bit of news, San Jose SaberCats Quarterback Nathan Stanley showed up at the pre-game conference in full gear and said “oh… that’s right. Friday… sorry. Hi Mom!” Stanley wasn’t available immediately following the conference.

 

 

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